Paralysis

Paralysis

There comes a point in time
when words can’t express what you feel inside
your thoughts lack expression

you feel like speaking to no one
nonchalance draws a pattern on your face
with distance silhouetted in your eyes

attempted conversation turns folly
forced smiles make you want to cry
a touch is horror to your senses

that feeling where receding deeper is sweet
where your dashed hopes and aspirations weave a flowery citadel
where your secrets are safe with you

you dream awake
you die alive
your sadness expressionless

you look into space
wishing tearstains on your face
wanting an escape

still you remain paralyzed within
trapped inside the turbulence of thoughts and feelings
searching for truths and meanings.

–Written by guest poet and friend, Elikem Dzisam

Can’t keep me down

I find it hard to stay miserable even if I had a good reason to be miserable in the first place. My brain just cant handle prolonged periods of uninterrupted funk.

Whatever it is that gets me down goes away after a while. Wherever that place is I don’t know. I wish I did though, so I could invade it and destroy it, permanently.

I read somewhere that human beings are not designed to be happy for a long time. We are built to enjoy our happiness at short intense burst of emotional episodes. This might explain why some people just cant handle it all when they are overjoyed about something and just let their tears handle the rest of the excitement.

Yesterday ,for lack of a better word was, completely fucked up. I was partly doped up by hanging around my pothead buddies smoking some weed. I helped myself to half a pack of PAL MALL (menthol. I know I should quit :-p). I blew an opportunity to get laid, AGAIN (don’t want to talk about it. But then again does a girl want to fuck you just because she casually invites you into her room? Personally I think not).

I felt tired for no reason, apart from my regular morning exercise which is actually my early morning energy booster and not my Kryptonite , I did nothing other than sit around making small talk. May be I was thinking too hard. I have a formula for thinking. I start with the urgent stuff in my life that need immediate attention, then to dirty stuff, then to plans of  finding the girl of my dreams, then to the mundane, to the cryptic and downright weird, then to more dirty stuff, then back to the beginning. A vicious cycle.

After everything that happened in that one day, I just shut down to reboot my brains to function properly again. I was tetchy and very edgy. Unfortunately I am too passionate a man to keep things bottled up. Unfortunate, because the ones who are closest to me bare the brunt of my nastiness.

Anyway, today wasn’t completely different but much better. I woke up with a clearer and more purposeful outlook on life. I have more ”Vim” as we say over here. Nothing is as bad as you think it is, once you think of all the people who died withing the time you were sulking. Things will and do get better, eventually. I am living proof.

Ps: Sleep is my drug of choice to forget about all my problems; not alcohol or class A drugs 😉

dUkE